How to Bother Nearby Drivers

When you go driving in your car, do you ever find yourself wondering, "What can I do to bother everybody who passes me?" Me too! So I've come up with a perfect solution that works every time.

One thing you can do to be obnoxious is to be an aggressive driver. But nobody really wants to be an aggressive driver, which means we have to find a different way to achieve this. And what better way to turn someone into an involuntarily aggressive driver than with loud, angry music? Bonus points for listening to music that offends others' ears, both with lyrics and volume (more bonus points for giant subwoofers)!

So, to help you all get in touch with that angry driver inside you, I present this playlist of intoxicatingly malicious music. Enjoy it while you can, which is until your car insurance starts costing more.

Drive Happy

1. Du Hast - Rammstein
This is a delicious song, it is full of anger and Deutsch. It gets started about 15 seconds in, which is just long enough for you to pull out of the driveway. You still might have to drive a little aggressively to get on the road before it starts, though.

2. Dragula (Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare Mix) - Rob Zombie
Don't be fooled by the foreign-looking text in the title, this little number is really American-Made Music to Strip by. That's the title of the album, anyway. The lyrics don't necessarily make sense, but there's lots of anger: it's a perfect addition to this mix.

3. I Love My Sex - Benny Benassi
And who doesn't? No, not a trick question: old people don't love your sex, instead it will bother them as you whiz by. Some fast, edgy electro, this track is certain to get your car and your heart going faster. Plus, more than enough bass to bother everyone around.

4. Faster Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold feat. Brittany Murphy
Some more sexually-oriented music for your driving pleasure. Similar sound, slightly more sophisticated in taste. Might make you think you have lucky eyes, causing egotism and road rage.

5. You'll Be Under My Wheels - The Prodigy
Great sentiments here for driving! How can you not drive aggressively if you're contemplating running people over? The lyrics are, "I rock," and, "I roll," so your in-car egotism is further bolstered.

6. Spitfire - The Prodigy
Downshift when you really shouldn't, and you might get your car to spit fire: aggressive driving becomes more obnoxious when it's actually stupid! The Prodigy makes good driving songs that make you feel bamfy, and are best played loud. Spitfire is no exception.

7. Gunner Down - Leslie Spitzer, Brad Cross
Yes, this comes from the Descent II soundtrack. Some industrial electronic stuff with lots of overdriven guitars, this helps you think of killing robots, and other vehicles on the roadway are basically robots. At the same time, it's a delightful segue into the next couple of songs, which are angry metal.

8. 2 x 4 - Metallica
When driving aggressively, it may help some to envision beating people in the face with a two-by-four. This is the original stuff that made our elders say we youngsters are all going to hell. Try singing along, and giving people angry looks as you say, "Make my day."

9. Last - Nine Inch Nails
Angry music, with lyrics about sex and instant gratification. Screaming people, electric guitars with lots of distortion, and a regular 4/4 kick for much of the song: anger, check. It also takes a subtle lyric from 2 x 4 and shares a riff with Gunner Down, so I had to put it in here.

10. Techno Industry - Johann Langlie
(Also from Descent II) Industrial doesn't get much more industrial than this. It's a helpful song when you want to envision the other cars being rent and twisted in your wake.

11. Crawl - Brian Luzietti
This here's a slow, brooding... crawling song. But when it's through, you'll have pent-up anger, which is the best kind for bothering people on the road. You need to hate people without reason, and this song will help you do that. More importantly, it prepares you to release the anger with a stomp on the gas pedal during the next song.

12. Bidibodi Bidibu - Bubbles
Remember in Super Troopers, wenn die Deutschen go schpeeding by in der Porsche, blasting der German technomusik? This is de song zey are blasting, ja. In the world of driving out of control to loud music, the slogan is, "Crazy German techno: there is no substitute."


Don't forget to crank the volume, especially at stoplights. Have fun with your new hobby!

Remember, kids: illegal things are illegal. This means you need to stay under the speed limit, stop at any official red things, and not discharge firearms from within a moving vehicle.